Locking the dog March 4, 2019I looked at my office door in disbelief. I’d just pulled it shut and heard the lock click. Phone, wallet, car keys and dog were locked on the other side of the impenetrable door. It was late on a Friday afternoon. Panic time. I could feel the adrenaline surging through my system, my heart pounding, my breath rapid, as I stared wide-eyed at the locked door. This is what McGonigal, a Ph.D. psychologist and lecturer at Stanford University, describes as…
A contract with yourself February 25, 2019My coaching client had a big, hairy project ahead of her. She’s a freelancer, and she needed to pull together a portfolio to show off her work. She kept putting it off. “I’ll sit down to work on my portfolio, and then I’ll look around my messy house and spend the time doing dishes and vacuuming instead,” said my client, a capable and experienced creative professional. “I never miss a deadline or work I’ve contracted to do, but I can’t…
Don't get promoted! February 18, 2019A new coaching client wanted a promotion. “I’ve gotten promoted every year,” said my client, a software engineer at a large tech company. “Being promoted is how I know I’m successful.” I looked at him worriedly. “I expect you’re going to run out of runway,” I told him. “One of these years you’re not going to get promoted, and then what? You’re a failure?” My client nodded. “I don’t know how I can keep this up,” he agreed. “I’m not…
The childhood dream trap February 11, 2019“I’ve decided not to apply to graduate school,” my coaching client told me. I looked at him in surprise. We’d spent several months talking about his dream to study mycology — specifically, how mushrooms can digest plastics and oil and help us save the world. He’d been fascinated by mushrooms since he was a kid. He’d been determined to earn a Ph.D. and work as a scientist. This was a lifelong dream. “I think I was more in love with…
Don't say "passionate" at work February 4, 2019“Don’t use that word!” I exclaimed. My coaching client, an operations executive, looked stricken. He had just told me that he was passionate about managing opportunities that drive shareholder value. “’Passionate’ is a great word for your bedroom,” I told him. “It’s not a great word to describe your interest and expertise in your field.” The word is overused and badly used in a workplace setting. It means “having, compelled by, or ruled by intense emotion or strong feeling; fervid,”…
Weaponized empathy January 28, 2019A coaching client told me about a painful interaction with her manager. Her vice president told her: “I am stunned that, at your level, you don’t know the basics of your job.” And my client, a director with years of experience at some of the largest companies in the region, immediately began to doubt herself. “Maybe he’s right,” said my client. “I approach things differently than he does. … I’ve always been good at my job, but it’s hard to…
What's the worst that can happen? January 21, 2019A new coaching client lashed out at me. Tears in her eyes, she spat out how much she hates her job, how stuck she feels, how unhappy. She snapped at the irrelevance of some question I had asked. I didn’t mind. I’ve been there. I get it. This client is highly trained in her field. Doctorate level. “I can’t just walk away,” she told me. “Why not?” I asked. She talked about how she is afraid doors would close behind…
What's your word for 2019? January 14, 2019A coaching client told me about getting angry at work. He was petulant with his manager and almost walked out of the meeting, he said. “If you could have a mulligan on that meeting, how would you handle it differently?” I asked him. He stumbled around, trying to come up with an answer. “I’d manage my body language more carefully,” he suggested. “I’d try to keep my body language open, rather than crossing my arms across my chest.” We agreed…
Negotiating this side of crazy January 7, 2019My new housecleaner looked at me with dismay. And not because of the drifts of cat fur. We had just walked through my house and she offered a reasonable price to clean my bathrooms and floors. I happily accepted. That’s when she’d looked at me with dismay: I had accepted her first offer. “Having your counterpart accept your first offer almost guarantees that you’ll feel less satisfied than you would have if you and they had negotiated a different outcome…
Manipulation and flattery December 17, 2018Managing upward is about manipulation and flattery. But not in a bad way. “Why does my manager ask my opinion if he’s just going to disregard it?” a coaching client wondered out loud. “I’m tempted to just keep my ideas to myself from now on. Why should I bother speaking up if he’s not going to listen to me anyway?” Oh yes, the sullen, silent approach. “How can you strategically manipulate your manager?” I asked my client after we agreed…
