Compliments are good for you. A genuine, well-placed compliment can boost self-esteem, motivation and fulfillment — whether you’re giving the compliment or receiving it. Sometimes, the most effective compliments of all are the ones you “conduct” instead of give. Compliment conducting is the skill of seeding a compliment behind the scenes, like a midfielder toeing a leading pass to the striker. You’re prompting someone else who is in a better position to give the compliment. Here’s a story to illustrate …
The art of the apology
“I owe you an apology,” I told my coaching client. I’ve been apologizing a lot lately. Not because I’ve screwed up more than usual, but because I read a book that taught me how to apologize better. Dr. Harriet Lerner’s 2017 “Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts“ is one of those handy guidebooks to life that teaches you how to do things that you’re supposed to know how to do, but don’t. Not really. “The courage to …
Don’t interrupt!
A coaching client was hesitant to talk with me about something. It was the last topic on her agenda for our coaching session. We nearly didn’t get to it. “My new direct report seems like he’s primed to fight with me,” she finally told me. “He’s pretty aggressive with his opinions, pedantic even. He interrupts me and restates what I just said.” This client, recognized as a superstar in her organization, is brand-new to management. This is her first direct …
New job, new boundaries
A career coaching client was facing a dilemma: Her manager had a last-minute meeting request, but she needed to get her child to a medical appointment. What’s worse was that my client, a senior manager at a small tech startup, had just started this job. We talked about how these early weeks are a great time to set — and defend! — boundaries with new colleagues. After all, it won’t be easier later, once precedents are set and expectations normalize. …
Problem solving rather than reacting
One of my coaching client’s CEO never showed for a meeting. As the afternoon ticked away, my client watched the clock and seethed. He felt disrespected and unimportant. He was too busy being angry and anxious to get much else done that day. “I tend to do that,” he told me. “I focus on the negative outcomes and it takes up a lot of space in my brain. I want the inverse of that feeling.” We talked through how he …
Impostor Syndrome strikes again
A CNN reporter emailed asking whether she could interview me about impostor syndrome. My first thought was: “I don’t know anything about impostor syndrome!” Which is, of course, a great example of impostor syndrome — that panicky feeling that you’re a fraud, that you’re faking it (and that CNN is going to find out!). In my executive coaching practice, I’ve found that, paradoxically, impostor syndrome tends to intensify as you become more senior and expert in your work. “I call it …
How to say no
As I wrote last week, I’ve started fostering puppies. A potential new owner of one of my foster puppies recently asked me whether I could keep the puppy for an additional two weeks while she went to a wedding. “No! I’m not your dog sitter!” I yelled. On the inside. Saying no can be tough for us conflict-averse folks, both at work and in the rest of our lives. Fortunately, there’s a blueprint for delivering a gracious, relationship-building “No!” Dr. William Ury’s …
Executive presence
My career coaching client wanted to talk about executive presence. “My boss told me that I giggled in a meeting with the executive team,” she said. “He told me I needed to work on my executive presence.” I almost giggled at the thought. This woman sitting in my office is a senior director at a large organization. I couldn’t really imagine her “giggling.” Laughing, yes. Belly laughing and chuckling, yes. Even snickering. But not giggling. “So what is executive presence?” …
How to choose a coach
A career coach can help you make tremendous leaps forward in your career, but it can be overwhelming to decide whom to work with. Here are five considerations to keep in mind as you choose. Credentials. Coaching is not a regulated profession. You’ll find a wide range of quality among those claiming to be experts — in fact, anyone can put up a website and call themselves a coach. A credential through an organization such as the International Coaching Federation at least …
Weaponized empathy
A coaching client told me about a painful interaction with her manager. Her vice president told her: “I am stunned that, at your level, you don’t know the basics of your job.” And my client, a director with years of experience at some of the largest companies in the region, immediately began to doubt herself. “Maybe he’s right,” said my client. “I approach things differently than he does. … I’ve always been good at my job, but it’s hard to …