Category Archive

A coaching client told me about getting angry at work. He was petulant with his manager and almost walked out of the meeting, he said. “If you could have a mulligan on that meeting, how would you handle it differently?” I asked him. He stumbled around, trying to come up with an answer. “I’d manage my body language more carefully,” he suggested. “I’d try to keep my body language open, rather than crossing my arms across my chest.” We agreed …

My new housecleaner looked at me with dismay. And not because of the drifts of cat fur. We had just walked through my house and she offered a reasonable price to clean my bathrooms and floors.  I happily accepted. That’s when she’d looked at me with dismay: I had accepted her first offer. “Having your counterpart accept your first offer almost guarantees that you’ll feel less satisfied than you would have if you and they had negotiated a different outcome …

Managing upward is about manipulation and flattery. But not in a bad way. “Why does my manager ask my opinion if he’s just going to disregard it?” a coaching client wondered out loud. “I’m tempted to just keep my ideas to myself from now on. Why should I bother speaking up if he’s not going to listen to me anyway?” Oh yes, the sullen, silent approach. “How can you strategically manipulate your manager?” I asked my client after we agreed …

I had to take a dose of my own medicine recently. I tell my coaching clients that critical feedback is a gift, an opportunity for growth, insight into a potential blindspot. Yeah, whatever.  It also feels like a kick to the stomach. I recently gave a talk on confidence and “impostor syndrome,” topics that come up frequently in my coaching practice. As part of the presentation, I told personal stories to illustrate what impostor syndrome looks like and how to self-coach for …

I was heating up my lunch when my husband stormed into the kitchen. “Don’t be that guy!” he exclaimed. I looked at the leftover salmon steaming in the microwave. “You’re right, I’m that guy,” I laughed. “Sorry!” We were referring to “that guy” who doesn’t realize that he is filling the shared office space with fishy odors. It made me wonder about other unwritten rules in the workplace, so I surveyed several of my coaching clients — senior-level professionals who have …

I received an email from a father asking me if I would be willing to meet with his two daughters, ages 14 and 21. He was hoping I could share “general life lessons” on focus, hard work, grit or any other points to become successful in life, like self-confidence and coming out of the comfort zone. I was touched by this father’s email. It was loving and proud, and he wants so much for his girls. Although 14- and 21-year-olds …

“They offered me an analyst title,” a coaching client told me. “Do you think titles matter?” She looked at me funny as I started spluttering. “The hiring manager told me not to focus on the title,” she said. “The role itself is great — a dream job. But I feel disappointed about the title. Insulted, even.” My client, a woman of color, had been interviewing for vice president and executive director roles. “Easy for him to tell me not to …

“What’s the peppermint mocha?” I asked a beloved client. He looked at me blankly. He was describing workplace conflict and hostility with another team. “They just sit there and obstruct,” he told me. “We need to get the work done, and they throw up endless roadblocks.” I gave him the peppermint-mocha backstory. “I was at my kid’s soccer game,” I explained. “It was cold. Raining. Early.” The coach came over, I said, and asked me whether I like peppermint mochas, …

“Ice cream makes dogs fart,” I told the little boy offering his ice-cream cone to my dog. Zilly and I were minding our own business, waiting for a friend at the park, when we were suddenly swarmed by ice-cream-eating 5-year-olds. At the word “fart,” the little kids erupted in a group belly laugh. Nothing funnier than talking about farts when you’re 5. There was a moment of appalled silence. “Jimmy!” his mom exclaimed. “We don’t talk …” And I realized I …

“I’m getting feedback that I’m not personable,” a beloved client told me. “I’m really focused on doing the work — and social chitchat seems like a waste of everyone’s time.” I looked at my client: a nice, kind man, a linear thinker, highly technical, high achieving. About five years into his career at a big tech company. “I’ve gotten advice that I should memorize one thing about each person at work, so that I can ask them about it and …